April 1, 2014

DNA Confirms Loch Ness Monster Identity


In stunning news that not only confirms the existence of the long-sought after Nessie but also the existence of life on other planets, Pharmaceutical giant Dopemol announced today that they had isolated a DNA sequence from a photograph using advanced laser scanning technology that confirmed that the so-called Loch Ness Monster was in fact a Giant Squid (Gigantoteuthis mobiggius) from Jupiter’s moon Europa.

In consultation with Astrophysicist Fuller Bolshetikov, it was deduced that the Nessie DNA was 500 million years old, having traveled through space frozen in a comet ejected from Europa. Photographs from space taken by NASA satellites orbiting Europa have produced images of Nessie-like objects in the oceans of Europa over the last 40 years. With the recently developed DNA Laser Sequencing Image Scanner, a full DNA strand sequence can be quantified from space based on dermal ridges in the image. A chance DNA imaging signature that matched a previous Loch Ness DNA imaging signature was correlated with fossil evidence that indicated that cephalopods native to this planet did not evolve until 300 million years later in the Cetaceous period or Age of Whales.

The earliest cephalopods on earth had not yet exchanged their bony skeleton for cartilage by 500 million years ago, which proves that the Loch Ness squids are extraterrestrial in origin.

Wary of claims of DNA imaging, Nessie and alien life forms on earth, one of the country’s leading skeptical organizations, SKEPTAMALOU, criticized these hypothetical results. Spokesperson Doan Bleevit had this to say, “It’s rash to rush to judgement of believement when new claims of science are justified by old, unproven methods. Besides, there’s not enough water in Loch Ness to support life!” Bolshetikov was quick to respond to these accusations. He stated, “DNA Photographic Image Sequencing is going to revolutionize the world of the speculative sciences. I believe we’ve shown there are no such things as plesiosaurs by revealing these Loch Ness creatures to in fact be the first invertebrates without bones from another planet on this planet.” Dopemol plans to use these new experimental results in an attempt to get more government funding for experimental testing of future test results.

Scott Mardis About Scott Mardis
Scott Mardis has been an active field investigator of the Lake Champlain “Monster” since 1992. He is a former sustaining member of the defunct International Society of Cryptozoology and a former volunteer worker in the Vertebrate Paleontology Dept. of the Philadelphia Academy of Natural Sciences (1990-1992). He co-authored a scientific abstract about the Lake Champlain hydrophone sounds for the Acoustical Society of America in 2010. He currently lives in Bradenton, Florida.

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