Sasquatch Coffee


Letter to Sasquatch

Posted by: Craig Woolheater on July 13th, 2013

Dear Sasquatch,

I’m choosing to communicate with you in this method because I’ve concluded that you must be able to read minds. How else have you managed for centuries to elude capture? How in an age of technology and advanced scientific gadgets have we not proved that you exist? You are always one step ahead and, therefore, must have some advanced form of telepathy at your disposal.

So, I write this in hope that you will invade the brain space of someone who has read this and see that I’m speaking directly to you. In a sense, I’m extending myself to you. Of course, this is under the assumption that you live within the confines of our readership. I’m not sure how psychic powers work exactly, but I will assume your powers can only extend within certain parameters before losing strength–perhaps operating something akin to magnets or wireless routers.

My only hope is that some adventurous reader of this column is hiking and stumbles upon your den or nest or whatever it is you live in and this aforementioned reader’s brain is sucked dry of its contents. Here’s where we, hopefully, intersect. In such an event, I have a few things I want you to know.

First, you have teased us with your existence for far too long. How many footprints and batches of matted fur are you going to tease us with? Do we really need to hear one more exuberant hunter’s testimony of your existence only for them to claim that you inevitably smashed their camera and stole their trophy buck? I mean, what is the deal?

It’s almost like you want to be discovered so badly, yet you chicken out every time you have the chance. Humanity is the hot cheerleader and you’re the nerdy chess-club captain who’s too afraid to make a move. Ask us to prom already! Maybe this isn’t it at all.

Perhaps you aren’t afraid at all. Could it be that humanity simply isn’t ready? I could see the reasoning behind this–given our track record of wars and rumors of wars. Maybe, with your psychic abilities, you’ve seen into the future and you know that revealing yourself will cause some chain reaction of cataclysmic events that will destroy humanity. I guess this brings up greater questions of what it means to be the only “evolved” species on the planet. How lonely we must feel.

Or even worse, maybe you don’t want to associate with humanity because you hate us. All these years have you been some silent stranger in the shadows, examining and studying us as a species only to perceive that we are a threat to your existence? I suppose I could understand this as well. Humanity probably has a sign written across our spiritual forehead that reads, “Outsiders not welcome.”

Truth be told, I’m not even sure why I want you revealed so badly. Maybe you have come to represent something that I, that humanity, longs for on some deeper level. Could it be that you represent the hope that there is something out there that remains pure and unadulterated by society? Maybe you are like aliens or like God–some intangible something that only slightly and without persistence reveals itself–offering tiny glimmers of hope that there is something “out there.”

I’m not sure, but I’ve heard a great deal about you. I’ve heard you were multi-dimensional. Some say that you are really an alien race trying to enslave humanity. Others speculate that you are the missing link to our evolutionary development. Whatever you are, you have something that humanity desperately longs for–maybe it is truth or maybe it is a reason to keep searching and peering into the unknown. Whatever it is, I hope one day we reach that point where mystery and truth collide. The place where the certainty and confusion seem to linger. The place you seem to call home.

To Ashley W.: Thanks for believing in such a nonbeliever all these years.

Craig Woolheater – has written 2527 posts on this site.
Co-founder of Cryptomundo in 2005. I have appeared in or contributed to the following TV programs, documentaries and films: OLN's Mysterious Encounters: "Caddo Critter", Southern Fried Bigfoot, Travel Channel's Weird Travels: "Bigfoot", History Channel's MonsterQuest: "Swamp Stalker", The Wild Man of the Navidad Destination America's Monsters and Mysteries in America: Texas Terror - Lake Worth Monster.


One Response to “Letter to Sasquatch”

  1. somebodyssquatchingme responds:

    Dear Craig,

    Thanks so much for your letter. I had no idea you were going to write it. Really! Your belief in my powers is flattering, but untrue. I’m just a simple being trying to make it in this world like you.

    The answer you are looking for is this: We aren’t perfect, but we have one skill down to perfection. We do everything we can to stay away from you. We have seen you kill deer, elk, and every other species that lives in harmony with us. We have watched as you pulled fish from our rivers, and dropped moose with your thunder sticks. I’m not exactly sure how those things work, but a bear as big as me once fell down right beside me when one of you made that big bang. I may not be as smart as you, but I’m smarter than your average bear, and I made a note of that.

    You humans just aren’t too friendly to anything that moves, and even though we could rip you apart like a grasshopper, we just don’t see the value in making a great enemy of you (we talk among ourselves, a lot). And Craig, we have even watched as you killed each other. It seems like all you do is build shelters, smooth out long flat spaces in our woods to move around on, and kill things. Yup, that’s about it.

    I suppose eventually, one of us will slip up, and expose ourselves completely to you. I only ask that you simply let us be. Don’t tell the rest of your kind where you found us, please. Most of the time, we can scare you away with a good growl or yell, and I thank you for that. It might be the reason God made us so big.

    You seem like a decent human, Craig, but the rest of you? I’m sorry, not so much.

    See You Never,
    Blobsquatch



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