Sasquatch Coffee


Rotting Sasquatch Carcass Found in Canada

Posted by: Craig Woolheater on July 22nd, 2013

A story getting talked about a lot in the Bigfoot Community is this one:

Alberta: Bow Valley flooding exposes rotting carcass of a Sasquatch.

Legendary Cryptid believed to be a surviving Gigantopithecus

(SNN) – The recent mass flooding in southern Alberta has exposed a rotting corpse of what is believed to be the legendary Sasquatch. Cryptozoologists worldwide are lining up to examine the remains, which were located by a hiker along the Bow River, northwest of Canmore, Alberta.

Eminent Paleontologist Wally Johnson has conducted a preliminary site examination of the remains, and has discovered that the carcass appears to be ancient. “I can report that from the bone structure, stature and a comparison of the mandibles and teeth, that I believe the remains are that of a Gigantopithecus.”

“We have always believed that the Sasquatch, Yeti, or even Bigfoot, if you will, was really a surviving clan of Hominids connected to the line of Gigantopithecus.” stated Cryptozoologist Coren Lowman, “The find near Canmore is extraordinary!”

With the massive rains of June which washed away ancient glaciers of the eastern slopes of the Canadian Rockies, scientists are speculating that the remains may have been frozen high in the rockies for many years.

This is the first report of a Gigantopithecus within North America. The first fossils of this creature were originally found in China.

One cryptid theory is that the creature “Sasquatch” migrated across the Bering sea bridge into North America and hides out in mountainous regions. No living Gigantopithecus has ever been found and the known fossil records indicate that the creature lived one hundred thousand years ago.

“This is the find of a lifetime,” stated Lowman, “Only a climate event such as what was witnessed in Southern Alberta this year could wash this beast’s remains into the banks of the Bow River.”

The part that is not being talked about, or ignored, or even glossed over, is this:

DISCLAIMER: The above article is SATIRE. This article is provided as humour and any article, image or photograph held out as news is satirical and faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or event of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.

The Sage
“Opinion – Satire – news without boundaries”

About Craig Woolheater
Co-founder of Cryptomundo in 2005. I have appeared in or contributed to the following TV programs, documentaries and films: OLN's Mysterious Encounters: "Caddo Critter", Southern Fried Bigfoot, Travel Channel's Weird Travels: "Bigfoot", History Channel's MonsterQuest: "Swamp Stalker", The Wild Man of the Navidad Destination America's Monsters and Mysteries in America: Texas Terror - Lake Worth Monster.


18 Responses to “Rotting Sasquatch Carcass Found in Canada”

  1. BOOTYMONSTER responds:

    i don’t see Bigfoot …… but here’s a link to a pic of what they found apparently …..

    right click to make it bigger …. assuming that’s sand o or small gravel on it , it looks pretty small to me ??????

  2. dconstrukt responds:

    LOL… great story.

    in the sites comments, the author says:

    You are right Henry, this story is really a parody, but not a parody of real life. We know that the Sasquatch does not exist, but only in the minds if some. However, there is no deception here, since at the bottom of the story is reads that the story is “faux in nature”. Please check out the disclaimer. I am sorry however that your hopes have been dashed. But thank you for visiting The Sage News Network.

    Good story… has you going for a bit… but NOT REAL.

  3. cryptokellie responds:

    I for one, am all for clever satire but I fail to see any “satire” in this story…

  4. RandyS responds:

    sat•ire — n. A literary work in which human vice or folly is attacked through irony, derision, or wit.

    Whatever the author(s) may think, this isn’t satire. It’s just fake.

  5. semillama responds:

    The dead giveaway was the name “Coren Lowman”. That being said, this completely fails as satire. It’s just a fake news story – there’s nothing satirical about it.

  6. AreWeThereYeti responds:

    Methinks the rotting corpse ain’t the only thing stinking here…

    Kinda sad you’ve gotta include a disclaimer, tho.

  7. graybear responds:

    At least its not a blobsquatch for everyone to argue over.

  8. Ragnar responds:

    Why do you post stuff like this? Its mean and small.

  9. Craig Woolheater responds:

    @Ragnar,

    I posted this because it is being talked about in the Bigfoot community.

    People are emailing it to me asking if I’ve seen this.

    Websites are reposting this without the disclaimer that it is satire.

  10. alan borky responds:

    Satire’s supposed to be funny isn’t it Craig or at least humorous.

    I can see this story causing blue buggery for you and other members of the blogging variant of the cryptozoological species for weeks months if not years to come.

    Which I suspect’s the whole point publicise your site by putting out a story that true believers’ll gobble up then watch in back slapping amusement as they start emailing and blogging away before they reach the end.

    I can imagine though a few stalwarts of the geological and archaeological consensus gettin’ seriously pised off over this.

    It’s not funny.

    It’s not even juvenile.

    It’s not even clever like the mermaid thing.

    I foresee a lot of negative karma coming the way of those responsible for this piece.

  11. Ragnar responds:

    @ Craig

    “Websites are reposting this without the disclaimer that it is satire.”

    Yes, you put in a disclaimer. Very conveniently at the end, which a good percentage of people won’t see. I would have put it in the title or first paragraph.

  12. HulkSmashNow responds:

    Boy, that was a waste of a post. And not only that, but the author(s) took the time out to take shots at believers, too. Wonderful.

  13. Goodfoot responds:

    Ragnar: I’ll let you have “small”, but what in the world is “mean” about this stupid story, this utter failure at satire? ONE THING that’s “mean”, Ragnar….

    Mean as in “low”? All right. I’d have to agree.

    Craig has the right to post anything on Cryptomundo that he chooses, and you have the right to complain about it. ONCE.

    If you disapprove, start your own Crypto blog, but don’t tell me about it.

  14. Raiderpithicusblaci responds:

    @Alan Borky: You read my very thoughts, sir. However, I know of one stalwart of the cryptozoological consensus that is real pissed off right now. It seems that when any idiot/skeptic/idiot has nothing better to do, they load their guns with a fake vocalization/bogus video/bulls&*t Bigfoot story, point that gun at us, and pull the trigger. The fact that this is done in an innocent, tongue-in-cheek fashion (disclaimer be dammed),makes it all the more offensive. in my opinion. Should I come face to face with the perpetrator of this outrage, bad karma will be the least of his worries.

    @hulksmashnow: I’m glad I have the Power Of A Million Exploding Suns, otherwise things like this could become quite trying.

  15. volmar responds:

    Coren Lowman? If you still believed this hoax/joke after you read the name “Coren Lowman” you are really gullible!

  16. corrick responds:

    For those of you writing that it isn’t funny.
    Satire is almost never funny to its intended targets.

  17. loopstheloop responds:

    It’s clear Americans struggle with the concept of both satire and parody… bless.

  18. NMRNG responds:

    Craig, that was a rather pathetic attempt at humor and a waste of time for nearly everyone who read it. An intelligent, considerate person would have added to the end of the title “(satire)”.

    Not clever. Thanks for wasting my time.

    Next time you are tempted to do something like this, I hope you’ll employ a bit more common sense and thoughtfulness. At least on days that precede or follow April 1st.



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