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Sasquatch Skull Baffles Scientists!

Posted by: Craig Woolheater on March 24th, 2007

Sasquatch Skull baffles Scientists!

On the heels of all of the talk here on Cryptomundo, and elsewhere, regarding the Bigfoot video shot in the forests of Tofino on Vancouver Island, comes the following amazing news:

Sasquatch Skull baffles Scientists!

The Tofino Botanical Gardens (TBG) Institute of Parallel Paleontology has made a major discovery at an undisclosed site within the Tofino Mudflats Wildlife Management Area. Fragments of a large “hominid-like” skull have been excavated during a three year, highly secretive project conducted by world renowned parallel paleontologist Professor I. M. Mendacious of the University of Luridistan.

“This is tremendously exciting,” says Professor Mendacious. “We have recovered and restored approximately 70% of the fragments of the skull, more than enough for a complete forensic reconstruction. Our physical anthropologists are working on this reconstruction at our laboratory and feel confident it will be ready for the April 1st unveiling at Tofino Botanical Gardens.” The skull fragments were found in a sedimentary deposit of the late Miocene to early Pliocene epoch, exactly when the first hominids begin to appear. “The skull we have reconstructed is, shall we say, very large; larger than any hominid or ape discovered to date. The brain cavity is correspondingly large. The creature carrying this head around was two to three times our size and possibly six times more intelligent!” says Professor Mendacious.

The shape of the skull allows us to offer a few tentative speculations on the cognitive faculties of what we are calling Giganta-pithecus tofinianum or “gt”, for short. Reverse mold shadowing techniques have allowed us to determine that gt’s brain is not only larger but qualitatively more advanced than our own. The cerebral cortex is proportionately larger than ours, and the area of convoluted cortex is about four times as large. This indicates tremendous capacity for complex reasoning, well beyond our own and memory capacity equivalent to a Kray supercomputer. The first question that comes to mind is “If you were so smart, why are you extinct?” Additional questions might be “Are you really extinct? Did you just pack up and leave? Does high intelligence result in diminished survival capacity? Do you watch hockey?”

Professors Mendacious also adds “I do not exaggerate when I say that this is the single most important discovery in Parallel Paleontology since man began thinking about his origins. The contributions made by Leakey’s magnificent work at Olduvai Gorge in East Africa, Zalacain’s well known discoveries on the Baja Peninsula, and the Field Museum’s Chinese expeditions pale before what has been found here. The existence of this skull will change the way we Homo sapiens see ourselves”.

“While we recognize that there are possible connections between this discovery and the kind of large hominid referred to locally as Sasquatch, the Institute is doing all that it can to avoid sensationalizing this find. We are concerned that Sasquatch “researchers” will immediately jump to conclusions that our discovery in some way lends credence to some of their more spurious claims” says Professor Mendacious.

It is TBG’s policy to neither confirm nor deny that several large hominid-like creatures were sighted by credible, trained biologists during the Mudflats Expedition of 2004-2005. “This is Tofino. It is very likely that what the observers really saw was a man dressed in shaggy fur, on stilts, playing a didgideroo, cross-country skiing across the mudflats in the fog,” says Elvin Whitewash of the Supernatural BC Ministry of Prevarication. TBG’s Director, George Patterson, concluded with a few cautionary remarks. “These are some remarkable discoveries but it must be understood that mainstream Science has always had difficulties with the work of Parallel Science. I urge the community to be calm. Report any sightings of large hominids to the By-Law Enforcement Officer, but first confirm you are not looking at Chris Taylor or Adam Buskard. Do not approach the creature under any circumstances. The Raincoast Education Society is preparing a set of workshops on “Living With Other Hominids in Clayoquot Sound”. Above all, remember that most of these sightings of Gigantapithecus tofinianum, which we neither confirm nor deny, have been recorded from the Bird Blind right here at tbg. The sudden increase in sightings may be related to the opening of SoBo’s at the Garden. Annual membership is a mere $15.”

Tofino Botanical Garden’s Institute of Parallel Studies is dedicated to research in many fields of human knowledge that is, at once, irrelevant, highly peculiar and mostly imaginary. Its work should not be confused with that of the Tofino Botanical Gardens Foundation which is conducted by actual people.George Patterson
Tofino

Hmmmm, the skull reconstruction will be ready for the April 1st unveiling?

My, that sounds suspicious…

Update:

See here at: Apologies for Sasquatch Skull post.

About Craig Woolheater
Co-founder of Cryptomundo in 2005. I have appeared in or contributed to the following TV programs, documentaries and films: OLN's Mysterious Encounters: "Caddo Critter", Southern Fried Bigfoot, Travel Channel's Weird Travels: "Bigfoot", History Channel's MonsterQuest: "Swamp Stalker", The Wild Man of the Navidad Destination America's Monsters and Mysteries in America: Texas Terror - Lake Worth Monster.


16 Responses to “Sasquatch Skull Baffles Scientists!”

  1. Loren Coleman responds:

    Why don’t they just write “April Fool’s” all over this release?

  2. UKCryptid responds:

    “We have recovered and restored approximately 70% of the fragments of the skull, more than enough for a complete forensic reconstruction. Our physical anthropologists are working on this reconstruction at our laboratory and feel confident it will be ready for the April 1st unveiling at Tofino Botanical Gardens”

    I don’t think the picture on here is meant to be the apparent skull fragments, if it is then I’d agree that it looks like something I can readily make myself with some clay and a small knife.

    I’m a bit of a fossil-head myself, so this is all great reading for me :)

  3. simianfever responds:

    So is it part of the new Daylight Savings rule that we are now celebrating “holidays” a week early? :)

  4. Loren Coleman responds:

    Professor I. M. Mendacious

    as in

    “I’m mendacious.”

    Mendacious – adjective
    1. telling lies, esp. habitually; dishonest; lying; untruthful: a mendacious person.
    2. false or untrue: a mendacious report.

    and of the University of Luridistan.

    Lurid – adjective
    1. gruesome; horrible; revolting: the lurid details of an accident.
    2. glaringly vivid or sensational; shocking: the lurid tales of pulp magazines.
    3. terrible in intensity, fierce passion, or unrestraint: lurid crimes.
    4. lighted or shining with an unnatural, fiery glow; wildly or garishly red: a lurid sunset.
    5. wan, pallid, or ghastly in hue; livid.

  5. Loren Coleman responds:

    Hey, Craig,

    Are you pulling all of our legs?

    This was an April Fool’s joke from 2005, recycled in 2006, and you want to bring it back for 2007?

  6. loyalfromlondon responds:

    worst prank ever
    :)

  7. Loren Coleman responds:

    I have just confirmed with the British Columbia newspaper where this was published that is came out in their April 1st issue in 2005.

    The way the opening paragraph of the blog is written is extremely misleading, as it sounds “new” and that it has appeared after the recent BC news and media items.

    It did not.

  8. joppa responds:

    Beat the rush, post your April Fool’s Joke early!

    BTW some thinks I’ve learned about April Fool joke stories:

    (1) Never post before April 1st.

    (2) Never joke about Alabama football or Kentucky basketball,

    (3) Bigfoot posts should include a Biscardi photograph and should be located in some small Southern town like Madisonville, Tennessee,

    (4) Any cryptid posts from Wisconsin should be about werewolves,

    (5) Always quote a Russian scientist,

    and

    (6) Now in the internet days, you must have a companion video on Youtube.

  9. Doug responds:

    I think it is rehashed from the past to lump serious researchers such as Meldrum, Green, and others to look silly and foolish. It may be an early April Fools joke, but I find nothing funny about it.

  10. DWA responds:

    I’m a little worried that anyone had any doubts about this one before they even opened it.

    Let’s not get TOO eager here, folks.

  11. Ceroill responds:

    Fairly funny, but it began wearing thin after a bit. My favorite term though is ‘Parallel Paleontology’. Very cute.

  12. Sharm responds:

    Still can’t beat those Johor hoaxers

  13. silvereagle responds:

    This is a 2 year old press release. April 1, 2005 has already come and gone.

  14. tofinotime responds:

    The article was published on April 1 in 2005 as part of the april fools issue. I have updated the page to make that clear. ‘tofino sasquatch’ seems a popular search term today…

  15. Loren Coleman responds:

    The newspaper folks there do not wish to have this be confused with recent events.

    Therefore, the editors tell me they have reworked and clearly identified this page as an April Fool’s joke…from 2005…based on my contact with them.

    I appreciate their decision to put some distance between this old story and the recent ones that they clearly feel are more serious.

  16. bill green responds:

    hey loren & craig hehe interesting new article. thanks bill



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