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Cryptofiction Crime Show of the Future?

Posted by: Loren Coleman on August 21st, 2009

Cryptomundo reader Joseph G. Mitzen (alcalde) sends in a guest blog that is a roadmap to a cryptofiction television series. On this day, it seems like an enjoyable way to ponder our view of the world. (I’ve added images to enhance this contribution.) ~ Loren

Loren Coleman Crypto-Man

Click on image for full-size version

Above, created by artist Tom Holtkamp, circa 1999, is an unpublished full panel (only revealed if you click on it).

Joseph G. Mitzen (alcalde) writes:

Ok, I’m getting the idea for a crime-solving procedural-type show but with a twist (much the way Numb3rs focuses on using math to solve crimes). This show would feature an author named Loren who decides to use the *unique* knowledge his research has provided to function as a consultant for various police forces. The funny thing is that no one hires him *before* he does his work, as his modus operandi is pointing out cases where the police have drawn wrong conclusions. Once he shows them their errors, they hire him to help solve the case. His agreement allows him to write about his casework on a blog, and any consulting fees go towards his pet project and magnum opus, a museum dedicated to his most unique research subject.

Scenes would go something like this:

Coroner: “Now, Mister, I’m telling you, these two people died of dog bites.”
Loren (whips sheet off body, turns body over): “Then how do you explain the suction cup marks?”
Coroner: “I… um… those ain’t hickeys?”
Loren (holding large pocket knife): “Not if my theory that we’ll find pockets of venom beneath the skin is correct. Just let me…”
Coroner: “Say, how did you get a knife into here past the deputies and the metal detector, anyway?”
Loren: “I smuggled it in in my beard.”

——
Maine Mutant
Drawn by Peter Loh, 2006.
——

Episode 73:

Yet Another Coroner: “I’m telling you, Loren, this man’s cause of death is dog.”
Loren (sighs): “…There’s not even any dog bites on this one!”
Coroner: “Well, maybe one of those hairless ones scared him to death… this guy TOLD us it was dogs that did it. He used his last breaths to write the word ‘mongrel’ on the ground in his own blood. We have a picture of it.”
Loren (snatches photograph): “Let me see that.”

(Loren examines photograph with magnifying glass.)

Coroner: “Where did you…”
Loren: “I smuggled it in in my beard. And this doesn’t say ‘mongrel’, it says ‘mongol’.”
Coroner: “I thought he was just a bad speller.”

Loren removes a voltmeter from his beard.

Coroner: “Gee, with a beard like that, a man doesn’t need pockets.”
Loren: “And a man who doesn’t need pockets doesn’t need pants.”
Coroner: “Now I know why you have a work-at-home job.”

Loren places one connector in each ear of the victim and presses a button. The needle on the voltmeter swings all the way to the right.

Loren: “Tell me Jake, have you ever heard of a Mongolian death worm?”
—————

Crypto Man
Created by Peter Loh.

—————
Episode 100: “Loren’s Worst Case Ever!”

Loren (sweating, shaking): “I… I never thought I’d be saying this, but… with this hair sample… I mean… maybe it WASN’T a Yeti that strangled him. Maybe it was… a … a beaver.”

Coroner glares at Loren incredulously.

Loren: “Well, not _one_ beaver. Um… a… a whole string of them…. in a line… you know, wrapped around his neck….”
Coroner: “But how would they get all the way up-”
Loren (wiping tear from eye as he examines chromatography results): “A… an owl…”
Coroner: “Dang! I thought I’d FINALLY figured one of these things out right the first time!”

Coroner bangs fist down on corpse’s chest, corpse coughs and something comes out of its mouth.

Coroner: “What’s that?”
Loren (examining item): “A.. a piece of…. windsail…”

Loren begins sobbing and collapses on top of corpse.

Coroner: “Do you need a-”
Loren (removing tissue from beard): “No thanks, I’ve got one….”

———
Loren on the Scene
At the scene of the crime.
———
Various episodes:

“I know there’s tire marks… but what if he were run over by a ChupaCabbie?”

“Captain Springle, I have evidence that the real culprit was a phantom clown… release Carrot Top immediately!”

Loren bursts through the doors of a small Maine police station.
Captain: “Who let him in here again? Every time he comes in here it’s trouble. We already shot down your theory. I’m telling you Loren… sociologist… sociopath… it’s a fine line with you!”
Loren: “But I was thinking… what if the black panther were an ALBINO???”
Captain: “Get the hell out.”
Loren: “But-”
Captain: “Now!!”

———————

To avoid copyright issues with another crime show, we’d call it “Cole Case”. I think it could be a hit… or at least do better than most of the reality shows on tv. Oh, and there’d be a Crypto-mobile. ~ Joseph G. Mitzen (alcalde).

Personally, I’d give the working title for the proposed series as “Crypto Special Investigations,” with a none-too-subtle nod to CSI creator Anthony E. Zuiker, who is a big fan of cryptozoology, even though few people know that fact about him. ~ Loren.

+++++
Thank you for your contributions to the
International Cryptozoology Museum
PO Box 360
Portland, ME 04112


Your assistance is greatly important in supporting the museum. Please…

Thank You.

Loren Coleman – has written 5491 posts on this site.
Loren Coleman is one of the world’s leading cryptozoologists, some say “the” leading. Certainly, he is acknowledged as the current living American researcher and writer who has most popularized cryptozoology in the late 20th and early 21st centuries. Starting his fieldwork and investigations in 1960, after traveling and trekking extensively in pursuit of cryptozoological mysteries, Coleman began writing to share his experiences in 1969. An honorary member of Ivan T. Sanderson’s Society for the Investigation of the Unexplained in the 1970s, Coleman has been bestowed with similar honorary memberships of the North Idaho College Cryptozoology Club in 1983, and in subsequent years, that of the British Columbia Scientific Cryptozoology Club, CryptoSafari International, and other international organizations. He was also a Life Member and Benefactor of the International Society of Cryptozoology (now-defunct). Loren Coleman’s daily blog, as a member of the Cryptomundo Team, served as an ongoing avenue of communication for the ever-growing body of cryptozoo news from 2005 through 2013.


6 Responses to “Cryptofiction Crime Show of the Future?”

  1. red_pill_junkie responds:

    I hope I get to see this as webisodes on Youtube in the near future!

    A great way to start the weekend. Thanks :)

  2. kgehrman responds:

    In general I think alcalde’s idea is a very good one, with some minor screenwriter’s edits.

    The beard thing is too inconceivable for the general public. I think that some sort of mutation type of marsupial-like pouch (a Coleman genetic throw-back of sorts) just below the rib cage would be more believable and would work better at airports and border crossings. On quirk of hero could be his frustration with never finding his favorite beverage (Kangaroo Beer) in stock at any of the establishments he visits, he can’t store it in-pouch because the ice need would cause numbing of all organs from the waist down.

    The main character must also have more depth to keep the audience interested in several stories lines going on at once. Like maybe the protagonist has a side interest in mass suicide theory or an involvement in some weird kind of twilight language cult.

    Must have some kids to keep the demographic strong, perhaps the hero could have a son or two that he sometimes drags along on his investigations. They could go off on their own in some episodes to give the old man a rest.

    I recurrent adversary would be advisable also like maybe a Sasquatchilluminati posing as an IRS agent with a true goal of hiding evidence of endangered species for Big Lumber.

    Please do not forget the CryptoBabe, there must be a hottie to add stimulation to the series. A long lost illegitimate grand child of someone famous, call her Scarlett Heuvelmans or something like that. Give her some powers beyond those of mortal woman also (the ability to understand the thoughts of post-migratory Giganthropiticusees…and to project telepathically back). I also feel an physically characteristic would also gain audience participation, like a couple vestigial sets of fully developed mammary glands below her normal set. I’m unsure what the sensors would say about actually showing these on TV, but perhaps you could make this a teaser throughout the arc of the series, just have people reacting to seeing them(BF included…stop him in his uhm…tracks) but nerver actually showing them until the Movie came out on big-screen theaters after the series jumps the shark.

    Now… who would been a good fit to play the lead character? I am not sure! But one inside note to all: Brad Pitt is currently growing a white beard for a “possible” role in an upcoming and sort of compatible role as a famous 1920s explorer (Percy Fawcett). Don’t forget Fawcett’s description of his encounter with Maricoxi in the Matto Grosse. The movie named after the book Lost City of Z interestingly included no mention whatsover of the Maricoxi. Anyway, thats another tangent.

    Good luck alcalde, this pitch could work for TV. If you need some storyboards to help with the presentation let me know.

  3. korollocke responds:

    Reminds me of the Charles Fort comics dark horse put out a few years ago. The beard bit is too over the top, but get Pete vonsholly to story board and the actual Loren coleman for the lead role and tommy biscardi as his lex luthor and this could fly on the cw.

  4. cryptidsrus responds:

    Cool possiblities here.

    I agree the beard thing is over the top, but everything else about the show is interesting. Looking forward to the show if it is actually developed.

    Nice post overall. :) Thanks Alcalde. And thank you, Loren.

  5. alcalde responds:

    RPJ,

    If we did it with computer-generated backgrounds/sets like Santuary, that might be possible. I know someone I went to high school/some college with is a director in Hollywood now, but the last time I checked the Internet Movie Database, the biggest productions he got to direct were all cable soft-core porn movies. I just don’t see that working out for this. I simply refuse to write lines like “Is that a Dover Demon in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?”

    Loren deserves a lot of the credit for this but he’s too modest to take it. This started out as a comment on the post about the dog mauling deaths, and Loren had the vision to make it into a blog post with all those great pictures he found and his own comments added. He inspired it too, although he doesn’t know it. In that dog mauling post he’d wondered if the killer was something else. I woke up about 2AM that night and couldn’t get back to sleep so my mind began wondering what cryptid could kill without leaving any visible trace. (Oh, the things I wonder about at 2AM….) I finally conjured up in my mind a tree-dwelling octopus (!) that reaches down, covers the victim’s mouth and sticks tentacles up their nostrils (eew), suffocating them. Smug that I’d figured out the only possible cryptid killer for all of four seconds, a picture of Loren Coleman appeared in my mind and asked “Oh yeah? What about the suction cup marks?”
    “Drat!”, I thought, then “Hey!” :-) The idea of Loren as a forensic cryptozoologist (cryptoforensics?) was stuck in my head, and the next evening I made my comment. I also wondered just how many visions of Loren Coleman I would have if I didn’t abstain from alcohol, but that’s another issue.

    K. Gehrman, you seem to have put some immense thought into this. Lots of great ideas. I have to ask though about a Sasquatchilluminati posing as an IRS agent. Having had my own accidental run-in with that agency, are you suggesting that any of their agents AREN’T Sasquatchilluminati?
    I like your twilight language idea too. Maybe every police chief he encounters will have a surname like “Fayette” or some such. :-)
    Your surperfluous mammaries idea is… quite interesting, as is their use in halting Bigfoot. I’m reminded of a scene from a Rodney Dangerfield movie that I shouldn’t recount here, but the punchline is, “Now THAT’S what I call a booby trap!”

    Korollocke, I’m going to have to get ahold of those comics; I’ve head great things about them. I certainly think Loren could compete against Brad Pitt for the part. (Didn’t Cher once enter a Cher look-a-like contest and come in second or third?) And if this is indeed Supernatural’s last season, there would be a spot open on the CW for sure. I do believe that my definition of over-the-top probably doesn’t match up with other people’s. :-) As the great songwriter Jim Steinman (all of Meat Loaf’s hits, for starters) once said, “If you don’t go over the top, how are you going to find out what’s on the other side?” In my defense of the beard, I submit this and this from a true master.

  6. EastTexan responds:

    Loren -
    The cartoon panel at the top by Tom Holtkamp would have obviously been a hit it had been carried out into a full story. Why? Well, number one, you, Loren and number two – a cool hat!

    Alcade – the beard seems important, but don’t forget THE HAT.



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