December 6, 2006

How To Outwit A Sasquatch

I found the following excerpt from the book The Action Heroine’s Handbook to be quite humorous.  I found it on the following website, Mental_Floss. The book is available on Amazon.com.

The book "offers girl-power advice for Charlie’s Angels wannabes that ranges from the eccentric (the tips on "how to survive as a mob wife" include "do not ask your husband too many questions" and "become familiar with state and federal law") to the efficient ("how to give birth under pressure," where readers learn to have two towels on hand and to breathe slowly). Although seemingly far-fetched, the how-tos are actually backed up with legitimate advice from professionals, so a stuntwoman explains how to win a catfight ("put your hair up and out of the way to avoid a vicious hair-pulling"), a zoologist describes how to protect your child from a ferocious beast ("draw the beast’s attention to you") and a speech and language pathologist offers advice on eavesdropping from a distance (determining the topic of conversation beforehand helps). Line drawings spruce up this alternately goofy and serious book."

How To Outwit A Sasquatch

1. Determine if you’re in Bigfoot territory.
If you’re off the beaten path, in a forested area in a climate that has heavy precipitation, you could be in the proverbial ballpark.

2. Use your senses.
Look: Bigfoots have distinctive five-toed footprints, up to 20 inches long and 7 inches wide.
Listen: Hear any cracking branches, heavy bipedal footfalls or unfamiliar grunts?
Smell: Bigfoots sometimes emit a sickening odor, described as a cross between a dead animal and a wet dog.

3. If you spot a Bigfoot, don’t make prolonged eye contact.
Most sightings have been at a comfortable distance beyond 50 feet. Looking down may be interpreted as a sign of submission; instead, keep him (or her) in your peripheral vision.

4. Fool the sasquatch into thinking you’re another creature of the forest.
Try mimicking the beast’s current behavior — kneel down, eat berries or vegetation — to signal that you’re not a threat.

5. Create a distraction.
Bigfoots are about as intelligent as the great apes in that they do not use fire or tools and are easily distracted. Try throwing a rock or a stick into the forest behind the beast. Do NOT throw anything AT the Bigfoot.

6. Hightail it.
Once you’re out of sight, you can be reasonably sure that you’re out of danger.

And what, or who, was the source for this advice? Well, Rick Noll, that’s who. 

Filed under Bigfoot, Bigfoot Report, Books, Cryptozoology, Pop Culture, Sasquatch