February 1, 2008

Bigfoot a Redneck Alien?

No doubt you saw all of the media attention surrounding the Bigfoot on Mars photo. Loren covered it here on Cryptomundo last week.

I’m sharing the following cartoon, with permission of the artist, Rand of My Paranormal Life, here for the readers of Cryptomundo.

I thought it was a nice accompaniment to the following article.

Bigfoot and UFO’s

PICAYUNE — Great! I was right! My theory that Bigfoot is an alien has been proven by the photographic evidence produced last week from the mars photo of Bigfoot walking on the red surface of the neighboring planet. Bigfoot is on Mars!

Apparently, Texas has had UFO’s flying around in the sky! The UFO’s have been visiting Texas possibly re-supplying the great Sasquatch with all his woods technology to continue keeping the legend hidden from good photographers. Or could there be another reason?

Bigfoot, Yeti, Sasquatch are all Martians! It explains the reason we find no bones because they take them back to the mothership….and the question about Bigfoot droppings? Well, maybe Martians don’t poop. Of course they don’t, years of being constipated from the lack of water on the planet created a race that can not produce fertilizer. The canals that were once reported on the planet were the former septic sewers that are now obsolete.

Or maybe….Could the Bigfoot be like the famous alien “Predator” who took on Arnold the Govenator and lost? Predators visit Earth to hunt for trophy kill? Could Bigfoot be a redneck alien from the red planet?

If you walk into the Bigfoot’s home on Mars does it have an array of heads of deer, elk, my Uncle Fred, and a grizzly bear? Does the female Martian roll her eyes when her male counterpart calls back from Earth and reports another ten point kill for the living room? Mrs. Bigfoot already quotes the line from the great Jim Carrey as Ace Ventura when she walks into her living room, “Lovely room of death!”

Technology from the Martians must not only jam radar, but jams cell phone cameras and produces a wave vibration that will cause any rolling video camera to wobble and produce a bad shot. This means that the Martians may be smarter than us.

What else are these Martians up to? Besides confusing the masses? Revealing themselves only to sheep farmers instead of Bigfoot hunters?

With this ability to not be captured or found, could the Martian Sasquatches be infiltrating our world for a takeover? Should we be concerned that we are more than a hunting facility for the sports minded Martian? Do they want to run for office?

What do we really know about our Bigfoot?

Sightings go back as far back as the early European settlers as they went west into the northwestern United States and western Canada. The native people already knew of the existence of a race of giants which inhabit certain mountains. In 1784, the London Times reported the capture of a huge, manlike, hairy creature at the Lake of the Woods in Manitoba. Was a creature actually caught? Probably hunters were better back then, no fancy guns, infrared equipment and field cameras. They probably had the right camouflage, too!

Over the last half century, several thousand eyewitness reports of Sasquatch sightings including footprints and visuals have been noted, footprints are the most reported. Prints can be authenticated and hoaxes abound but that still leaves a series of footprints that carry the true indicators of what a Bigfoot print should possess. Soon, footprints will be discovered on the Martian surface, you just watch!

Bigfoot researchers state that they estimate a life expectancy for Bigfoot to be about 40 years (great I would be a dead Sasquatch) with a population in the low thousands (tourists). They have an estimated running speed of 35mph similar to a horse gallop. The average human body tops running burst of speed at 27mph.

The creature is nocturnal, most like omnivores and stands over 7 feet tall and weighs 500 to 800 pounds. (Since they do not live over 40, the extra pounds won’t matter.)

The Bigfoot craze began in 1958 when a road crew working in North West California discovered their activities were attracting a night time visitor and the men found many enormous, manlike footprints in the mud around their worksite. The foreman took a footprint cast to the local newspaper and the story was picked up by the wire services and “Bigfoot” became a national news story.

The Sasquatch is reportedly seen in Malaysia, China, Russia, Australia, South America and Hawaii. You wonder how did he get to Hawaii from Northern California? The flying saucier of course!

What I did not realize in my research of the Bigfoot Martian is that sightings report brown, black, red, and white Bigfoots. Do you think they have racial issues because of the color of their fur? And you thought Martians were green.

So what is their intention? Why don’t they just come out of the woods and the space ships and blend in with the rest of the dysfunctional world? Would we even notice? Men in Black proved that point.

What party would a Sasquatch affiliate with since they are earthy woodsy types? Yet, highly technically advanced with their space travel? Are they peace-loving or isolationists? How are the female Bigfoot’s treated? Are they tree huggers? Do they lean left or right?

I still watch the cute movie Harry and the Henderson’s with the portrayal of Sasquatch as the peace loving, gentle giant who is misunderstood. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy. Then I watch the Legend of Boggy Creek and I am scared to look out the window at night!

I hope to meet Bigfoot one day. It’s on my bucket list.

I want to meet the nice one in Oregon, not the angry Boggy Creek Monster, or the Martian Bigfoot since I am not fond of flying too far.

I wish they would make a good Sasquatch movie, all my 70’s versions are hard to find. Cause that’s what the world needs now, a good Bigfoot movie.

You heard it here first.Tracy Williams
Picayune (MS) Item Guest Writer

Filed under Bigfoot, Bigfoot Report, Comics, Conspiracies, Cryptozoology, Pop Culture, Sasquatch