July 22, 2013

Rotting Sasquatch Carcass Found in Canada

A story getting talked about a lot in the Bigfoot Community is this one:

Alberta: Bow Valley flooding exposes rotting carcass of a Sasquatch.

Legendary Cryptid believed to be a surviving Gigantopithecus

(SNN) – The recent mass flooding in southern Alberta has exposed a rotting corpse of what is believed to be the legendary Sasquatch. Cryptozoologists worldwide are lining up to examine the remains, which were located by a hiker along the Bow River, northwest of Canmore, Alberta.

Eminent Paleontologist Wally Johnson has conducted a preliminary site examination of the remains, and has discovered that the carcass appears to be ancient. “I can report that from the bone structure, stature and a comparison of the mandibles and teeth, that I believe the remains are that of a Gigantopithecus.”

“We have always believed that the Sasquatch, Yeti, or even Bigfoot, if you will, was really a surviving clan of Hominids connected to the line of Gigantopithecus.” stated Cryptozoologist Coren Lowman, “The find near Canmore is extraordinary!”

With the massive rains of June which washed away ancient glaciers of the eastern slopes of the Canadian Rockies, scientists are speculating that the remains may have been frozen high in the rockies for many years.

This is the first report of a Gigantopithecus within North America. The first fossils of this creature were originally found in China.

One cryptid theory is that the creature “Sasquatch” migrated across the Bering sea bridge into North America and hides out in mountainous regions. No living Gigantopithecus has ever been found and the known fossil records indicate that the creature lived one hundred thousand years ago.

“This is the find of a lifetime,” stated Lowman, “Only a climate event such as what was witnessed in Southern Alberta this year could wash this beast’s remains into the banks of the Bow River.”

The part that is not being talked about, or ignored, or even glossed over, is this:

DISCLAIMER: The above article is SATIRE. This article is provided as humour and any article, image or photograph held out as news is satirical and faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or event of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.

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About Craig Woolheater
Co-founder of Cryptomundo in 2005. I have appeared in or contributed to the following TV programs, documentaries and films: OLN's Mysterious Encounters: "Caddo Critter", Southern Fried Bigfoot, Travel Channel's Weird Travels: "Bigfoot", History Channel's MonsterQuest: "Swamp Stalker", The Wild Man of the Navidad, Destination America's Monsters and Mysteries in America: Texas Terror - Lake Worth Monster, Animal Planet's Finding Bigfoot: Return to Boggy Creek and Beast of the Bayou.

Filed under Bigfoot, Bigfoot Report, Breaking News, Cryptozoologists, Cryptozoology, Hoaxes, Pop Culture, Sasquatch