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6 Sensational Bigfoot Conspiracies

Posted by: Guy Edwards on March 13th, 2013

Bigfoot Lunch Club


Bigfoot must be some type of hybrid, right?

The following 6 Bigfoot Conspiracies are from the website mental_floss magazine. Mental_floss promises to be the type of website you can use to impress your friends. They have 11 top conspiracies, at Bigfoot Lunch Club, we picked our six favorite. You can read them below.

1. A DNA TEST PROVED THAT BIGFOOT IS A PART-HUMAN HYBRID… AND DESERVES U.S. CITIZENSHIP!
Texas veterinarian Melba S. Ketchum claimed last November to have proved via sasquatch DNA sample that the legendary apes are partially human. She even went so far as to insist that the Government recognize them as “an indigenous people and immediately protect their human and Constitutional rights.”

2. THE GOVERNMENT SECRETLY REMOVED BURNT SASQUATCH CORPSES FROM MOUNT ST. HELENS AFTER THE 1980 ERUPTION.
Following the disaster, a few witnesses reported seeing federal helicopters carrying off the charred remains of several sasquatches from the area. Prior to the eruption, Mount St. Helens had already been a hot spot for supposed “ape-men” sightings since the 1920s. In fact, so many of these stories were recorded that a nearby gorge was eventually named “Ape Canyon.”

3. BIGFOOT IS REALLY A CAVEMAN.
In 2007, Vancouver Island resident Robert Wilson claimed to have seen “what I thought was a bear. I drove down and saw what I could only describe as a large, hairy man who looked cave man-like… with sort of Neanderthal features. As big as a bear, easily.” Expanding on his claim, a 2011 History Channel documentary proposed that “[the] sasquatch might not be a giant ape at all, but could be a species of prehistoric human.” You can see the segment in question at this video’s 55-minute mark.

4. BIGFOOT IS REALLY AN ALIEN.
Two conspiracies for the price of one! In 1973, Pennsylvanian UFO researcher Stan Gordon noticed an increase in sightings of sasquatches entering and exiting the extraterrestrial vessels. Fascinated by the possibility that the mysterious primates may actually hail from another planet, Gordon quickly set up a “UFO-Bigfoot Hotline” which still runs to this day.

5. BIGFOOT IS REALLY A GIANT GROUND SLOTH.
While most “experts” believe the sasquatch to be some form of shaggy primate, a few have opined that these beasts are actually surviving giant ground sloths. For more on these fascinating prehistoric mammals, do go here.

6. SASQUATCHES OCCASIONALLY SODOMIZE DOMESTIC COWS.
Animal-on-animal bestiality is far from uncommon. Accordingly, more than a few farmers claim to have witnessed male Bigfeet (which is the plural of Bigfoot) getting intimate with some unfortunate bovines. (Where’s Gary Larson when you need him?)

You can read the other 5 Bigfoot conspiracies at mental_floss.

 

Guy Edwards About Guy Edwards
Psychology reduces to biology, all biology to chemistry, chemistry to physics, and finally physics to mathematical logic.


4 Responses to “6 Sensational Bigfoot Conspiracies”

  1. Chupacabra Millie responds:

    I just love mental_floss. Always fun to read, and I’m glad to see that they did a feature on cryptids. That said, these are hysterical.

  2. Goodfoot responds:

    That’s the worst Bigfoot costume EVER. But how is “Bigfoots bury their dead” a CONSPIRACY theory? It doesn’t allege or even hint of any conspiring, by anyone or anything.

  3. DWA responds:

    How is *any* of these a conspiracy?

    OK, fine, the Mt. St. Helens thing. Whatever.

    I hope the rest of the site is better than this. This certainly isn’t what I’d call a solid sales pitch.

  4. Goodfoot responds:

    DWA: the Battle Mountain story is in the same category as the Mt. St. Helens. So, really, just those two. The word “conspiracy” was just supposed to be a pitch to draw people in, I guess. Thom Powell seemed to once be pretty sure of the Battle Mountain story’s validity. I have no idea if he still feels that way.



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