How To Outwit A Sasquatch
Posted by: Craig Woolheater on December 6th, 2006
I found the following excerpt from the book The Action Heroine’s Handbook to be quite humorous. I found it on the following website, Mental_Floss. The book is available on Amazon.com.
The book "offers girl-power advice for Charlie’s Angels wannabes that ranges from the eccentric (the tips on "how to survive as a mob wife" include "do not ask your husband too many questions" and "become familiar with state and federal law") to the efficient ("how to give birth under pressure," where readers learn to have two towels on hand and to breathe slowly). Although seemingly far-fetched, the how-tos are actually backed up with legitimate advice from professionals, so a stuntwoman explains how to win a catfight ("put your hair up and out of the way to avoid a vicious hair-pulling"), a zoologist describes how to protect your child from a ferocious beast ("draw the beast’s attention to you") and a speech and language pathologist offers advice on eavesdropping from a distance (determining the topic of conversation beforehand helps). Line drawings spruce up this alternately goofy and serious book."
How To Outwit A Sasquatch
1. Determine if you’re in Bigfoot territory.
If you’re off the beaten path, in a forested area in a climate that has heavy precipitation, you could be in the proverbial ballpark.
2. Use your senses.
Look: Bigfoots have distinctive five-toed footprints, up to 20 inches long and 7 inches wide.
Listen: Hear any cracking branches, heavy bipedal footfalls or unfamiliar grunts?
Smell: Bigfoots sometimes emit a sickening odor, described as a cross between a dead animal and a wet dog.
3. If you spot a Bigfoot, don’t make prolonged eye contact.
Most sightings have been at a comfortable distance beyond 50 feet. Looking down may be interpreted as a sign of submission; instead, keep him (or her) in your peripheral vision.
4. Fool the sasquatch into thinking you’re another creature of the forest.
Try mimicking the beast’s current behavior — kneel down, eat berries or vegetation — to signal that you’re not a threat.
5. Create a distraction.
Bigfoots are about as intelligent as the great apes in that they do not use fire or tools and are easily distracted. Try throwing a rock or a stick into the forest behind the beast. Do NOT throw anything AT the Bigfoot.
6. Hightail it.
Once you’re out of sight, you can be reasonably sure that you’re out of danger.
And what, or who, was the source for this advice? Well, Rick Noll, that’s who.
Co-founder of Cryptomundo in 2005.
I have appeared in or contributed to the following TV programs, documentaries and films:
OLN's Mysterious Encounters: "Caddo Critter", Southern Fried Bigfoot, Travel Channel's Weird Travels: "Bigfoot", History Channel's MonsterQuest: "Swamp Stalker", The Wild Man of the Navidad, Destination America's Monsters and Mysteries in America: Texas Terror - Lake Worth Monster, Animal Planet's Finding Bigfoot: Return to Boggy Creek and Beast of the Bayou.
Maybe instead of telling you to act like another creature of the forest, they should tell you how to take a steady shot at a Bigfoot, with a camera. That would be the end of the Blobsquatch.
Humorous.
My perception is that Bigfoot doesn’t usually make heavy footfalls.I think they are quite stealthy.
Must question the thought of imitating animal behavior to show one is not a threat.Running would indicate lack of threat 🙂
They didn’t mention wearing any perfumes that could be mistaken as food, honeysuckle,c ucumber, melon and passion fruit are just a few of the common ones.
Doesn’t the author seem to make the assumption that Bigfoot needs to be avoided as if it were some type of threat?The author obviously has had limited close encounters with Bigfoot! 🙂
Charge the bigfoot? I mean look at us. When a smaller creature, say even a spider runs towards you, 7/10 times, you freak.. What’s to say Biggy won’t do the same? CHARGE…*then get broken in half on his knee*
Running from any predatory wild animal can trigger the “predator-Prey” response and could at least cause the animal to chase you, if not become actually very aggressive i.e. attack.
hey craig , great bigfoot article. bill
Actually, a pretty good illustration of comparative sizes ~ if heroine stood up, she’d be about the size of the boulder, say five foot five?
Squatch looks about three feet taller, around eight foot, and his head, neck, shoulders and limbs are carefully proportioned ~ a well-done drawing.
Illustrations like this really help readers to envision the action and the actors, and this one almost looks like a page from a coloring book.
Entertaining text, too.
Thanx, Craig.
Well, if someone gets an idea for a book with an ‘action heroine’ as the main character that goes into the woods, we will see what else can be thought of.
Might read it, if it is NOT a romance novel. I detest those things. Then again, SHE ‘rescuing’ he-man HE from a BF might be funny.
WHAT? No tips on selling baby bigfoots (bigfeet?) on E-bay? Obviously, a flawed book.
Are BFs very active on bright moonlite nights, or because of the brightness are they more shy? Have they been known to enter campsites on these nights , or only in the pitch dark?
6. Hightail it.
Once you’re out of sight, you can be reasonably sure that you’re out of danger.
Can anyone please explain why your in danger when you see a BF?
Seems like most of the sightings didn’t involve a violent, dangerous beast, but many EXPERTS conclude your in danger when you confront one.
Besides trying to ignite one our most basic emotions, fear, where’s the proof they’re dangerous?
This confirms for all us who don’t know Rick personally what we’ve suspected all along, he’s got a terrific sense of humor.
Great post and a real chuckler. Thanks,
LL
Cute! I note that some of the comments posted do not take the passage as the humor it was intended to be.
I, at this point, feel obligated to respond to a couple of the questions.
To javarama, they have been known to enter camps on any kind of night. Normally there is some ambient moonlight, but it is not essential.
To swnoel, there are a number of reported aggressive acts by these animals, as well as some events that have involved human fatalities. Any wild animal poses a threat and should be regarded as a potential danger. Where is the EVIDENCE that these animals are not dangerous? Please don’t tell me, “Harry and the Hendersons.”
Dunno if this is a valid topic.
Those guys in the beef jerky commercials are always outwitting sasquatch so how difficult can it be?
When you meet Bigfoot in the woods you should give them cute little woodland names or perhaps a name from the X-Files like Fox. Then follow them around and get photos of their “scat” but never of the Bigfoot themselves. Maybe invite them into your basement or something for an icebreaker. That way you can pull a few hairs from their wrists when they are not looking. But remember! Although they are not observant enough to notice you pulling their wrist hairs out by the roots, they are able to spot a camera a mile away! So be sure to take pictures of everything in the vicinity EXCEPT the Sasquatch. That way people will know that you are a true researcher, of the caliber of Jane Goodall or Dian Fossey no less.
Shihan, haven’t you heard? They are not animals. They are HUMAN! If you throw a stick at them, well, they just might throw their own stick back at you!
Tell him your name is Biscardi. That oughta send it scampering away.
This article reminds me of the TV commercials about “Messin’ with Sasquatch”.
This is good advice after all Sasquatches have been known to carry off human women. At least according to Indian legends and stories. I know I would not want to be the headline on weekly world news “I had bigfoots baby”.
My sasquatch education is now complete.
On second thought make friends with sasquatch. Then get him to follow you out of the woods. Take him home and then take him down to the offices of skeptical enquirer where he can take a dump on the editors desk.
“To swnoel, there are a number of reported aggressive acts by these animals, as well as some events that have involved human fatalities. Any wild animal poses a threat and should be regarded as a potential danger. Where is the EVIDENCE that these animals are not dangerous? Please don’t tell me, “Harry and the Hendersons.” ”
I’m not so sure I believe in this mystical beast!!! Does it or doesn’t it exist?
Please give me links to the verified reports of people being killed or injured by a BF.
I didn’t know such verified reports existed??
Harry and the Hendersons… you’re funny.
I would also surmise that the vast majority of wild animals that attack and injure people, are those that have had much human contact and had lost their fear of us, not including sick or old animals which do become disoriented or starving.
I’m not here to debate your beliefs.
I’m here to learn with facts.
I wouldn’t run from a bigfoot attack. We all know bigfoots are scared of cameras as they never seem to run towards one. All you need to do is get a cell phone with camera on it and bigfoot won’t touch you.
swnoel:
Here are my thoughts on the subject, from my dealings with wildlife (I’m not an expert, just been around wildlife growing up, and read alot about wildlife).
You’re correct that animals that have lost their fear of humans, like bears being fed by visitors to parks, are often a source of dangerous human-animal incidents.
However, even animals with a healthy fear of humans, or maybe especially those animals, can become aggressive and attack if they feel overly threatened, can’t run away (feel cornered, or you’re so close they don’t want to turn their back to you to run), or don’t want to run away. Some bear attacks have been the result of a person stumbling across a bear in the woods unexpectedly and startling it, and it attacks out of fear, sort of “pre-emptive self-defense”. Sometimes they see us and run, sometimes they see us and fight, depending on a lot of factors, including how close the person is when the bear finally notices them.
If sasquatch exist, and one encounters a human unexpectedly, it may feel threatened due to unfamiliarity or fear of humans, or it may view us as a potentially hostile intruder into its territory. Either way, the “fight or flight” response could be triggered, and it may run (as many reports describe), but it may also attack.
As Shihan said, running from an animal that has any predatory nature could trigger a chase and potential attack (which is why we always here that we shouldn’t run from a dog showing aggression).
I think it would probably be wise to handle it similarly to encountering a bear, or gorilla, or anything of that nature. As the article says, prolonged eye contact is considered a challenge or threatening gesture by many animals (including apes and dogs), and facing them but staring downward is often a sign of submission (animal may then feel they can safely attack you to show their dominance). Doing things to show you have no interest in the animal, such as ignoring them, foraging for food, making medium-pitched soothing noises, anything to dispel any air of threat would be helpful. If you’re looking to exit the situation, slowly working your way away from the animal (without turning your back on it) can result in the animal turning and leaving once it feels no threat to itself or territory.
I have a theory that one reason they may run when we try to take a picture is that we normally hold the camera up to our face and face them, so to them it feel the same as direct eye contact. They feel they’ve been spotted, challenged, and exit to avoid confrontation.
Just my 2 cents.
To swnoel:
Better yet, to ease your concerns about whether or not these animals exist, come down to East Texas. I have a number of areas that you can visit that are rich in activity, and then you can decide for yourself.
For some of us, it is no longer a matter of belief. It is now a matter of ‘what is it?’