Satire: Sasquatch Capture Disappointingly Easy

Posted by: John Kirk on May 21st, 2014

If it was only this easy my little chihuahuas.

Amazing how to some, the lives of a lot of us here is a mere caricature and the object of derision. I do know, however, we will have the last laugh. It’s just a matter of time. Sasquatch can’t stay blurry forever, one day it has to come into focus.

Bigfoot hunters at a loss after fabled beast not even hiding anymore

SQUAMISH – Local hiker Bob Jamison has finally found the Sasquatch, stumbling into him on a hiking trip. Bigfoot, or “Foot” as he likes to be called, was found “just chilling” watching television and drinking beer.

“To be quite honest, it was kind of stupid,” said Jamison. “I mean he was just sitting on a couch, a couch in the middle of the forest, where there are literally no couches, watching TV. How do you miss him? It’s like he wasn’t even trying.”

Upon being found, Bigfoot was reported to have said, “You got me man, you got me,” before returning to his nap.

“He looked like he was going to attack for me for second but then he just said, ‘Screw it’ and went to sleep. It was kind of pathetic,” added Jamison.

Perhaps most notably, Jamison had captured detailed pictures of the Sasquatch along with video evidence, a never previously accomplished feat. However, the American Bigfoot Watchers Association (ABWA) claims this disproves the sighting.

“Didn’t you notice that he’s not blurry?” asked president of the ABWA and self-proclaimed Sasquatch expert Alex T. Poklevich. “That’s like his trademark man, do you think Bigfoot would just forget to be blurry? He didn’t for us.”

An anonymous member of the ABWA stated that Poklevich was just concerned for their jobs.

“It’s pretty hard being a Bigfoot hunter if he actually exists, I mean people will believe us now,” he said. “I’ll probably have to find other work, maybe a government conspiracy nut, the History channel has shows on that, right?”

When asked to comment, Bigfoot said he was shocked, claiming that he put a lot of effort into hiding from humanity, only to be found lazing around at his home.

“I took all the precautions, you know. I disguised myself in public, when I went to the store I wore my fake mustache and glasses, pretended to read giant newspapers, I did everything right.”

When asked how his life will change as a result of this newfound exposure, “Foot” responded, “I’ll have to be more careful when I eat people . . . and I’ll probably have to pay for cable now.”


John Kirk About John Kirk
One of the founders of the BCSCC, John Kirk has enjoyed a varied and exciting career path. Both a print and broadcast journalist, John Kirk has in recent years been at the forefront of much of the BCSCC’s expeditions, investigations and publishing. John has been particularly interested in the phenomenon of unknown aquatic cryptids around the world and is the author of In the Domain of the Lake Monsters (Key Porter Books, 1998). In addition to his interest in freshwater cryptids, John has been keenly interested in investigating the possible existence of sasquatch and other bipedal hominids of the world, and in particular, the Yeren of China. John is also chairman of the Crypto Safari organization, which specializes in sending teams of investigators to remote parts of the world to search for animals as yet unidentified by science. John travelled with a Crypto Safari team to Cameroon and northern Republic of Congo to interview witnesses among the Baka pygmies and Bantu bushmen who have sighted a large unknown animal that bears more than a superficial resemblance to a dinosaur. Since 1996, John Kirk has been editor and publisher of the BCSCC Quarterly which is the flagship publication of the BCSCC. In demand at conferences, seminars, lectures and on television and radio programs, John has spoken all over North America and has appeared in programs on NBC, ABC, CBS, PBS, TLC, Discovery, CBC, CTV and the BBC. In his personal life John spends much time studying the histories of Scottish Clans and is himself the president of the Clan Kirk Society. John is also an avid soccer enthusiast and player.

One Response to “Satire: Sasquatch Capture Disappointingly Easy”

  1. Goodfoot responds:

    I’m calling real! TV does the same thing to me.

    It has to do with the flicker rate; while you’re dozing, you’re building up an insatiable desire to BUY PRODUCTS.

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