Johor Bigfoot Back?

Posted by: Loren Coleman on February 27th, 2008

“A Malaysian Laugh” is a regular column by The Malaysian Insider humorist Jerome Martin. As the newspaper says: “If you don’t find it funny, we are happy to get your feedback so we can pay him less.”

Today, they published a new column on how the forthcoming elections in Malaysia look through the eyes of their Johor Bigfoot. I’m not sure if the humor translates well to the Western ear, but nevertheless, here’s what was said, in part, regarding:

…the status of Bigfoot in the upcoming elections.

Presumably, since they are said to be surviving fragments of a prehistoric ape, they qualify as Orang Asli and Bumiputera and, most certainly, are of voting age.

The question of their constituency would be a tough one. While they have been spotted most often of late in Kota Tinggi, according to Bigfoot expert Vincent Chow, their habitat range stretches across the forests of Tanjung Piai, Mersing, Kahang, the Endau Rompin National Park and Kota Tinggi, meaning basically, everywhere in Johor.

Would this give rise to worries of phantom votes or, in this case, votes that would be able to move and take advantage of the first-past-the-post system? We find out in an interview with state Bigfoot youth chief Sang Garang Gigi Jarang.

So, exactly where is your constituency?

“Oh, you see, in the first place, it would be unfair to say that we’re only found in Johor as we’ve been living across the entire rainforest here until highways and man-made lakes were erected on our land.

“Therefore, to overcome the problem of constituencies for us, the most Bumi of Bumiputeras, we have sent a proposal for electoral reforms to the Election Commission, calling for the abolishment of the first-past-the-post system.

“We feel that to truly be united as Bangsa Malaysia, we must vote as one, rather than be divided up by states or trees.”

You mean… branches?

“No, trees. As in pokok.”

OK. Well, who will you be voting for in the coming elections?

“Oh, that’s a tough one. I think most of us, to begin with, were disappointed that BN could not allocate us Bigfeet some seats to stand for. We wondered why until PAS spiritual leader Nik Aziz Nik Mat revealed that Umno MPs were all orang utans.

“This all makes sense now because they are an endangered species and most people feel it would be politically incorrect to do anything disadvantageous to minority communities.”

But then, aren’t Bigfeet also endangered?

“Oh, yes, we are nearly extinct, are we not? Which brings to rise the fact that maybe BN is a speciesist party! It only serves the interests of humans and orang utans. But the point is, we could not throw our lot with them and instead have decided that we will support any party that will tackle environmental issues.”

Ah, a very worthy cause indeed.

“Yes, so far the only green party seems to be Pas. And that’s just the flag. Most of these parties are not interested in saving the environment. But maybe we will support Pas anyway.”

Why is that?

“Because of their welfare state ideology. After all, we aren’t called Hantu Gigi Jarang (Snaggle-Toothed Ghost) for nothing. It would be good if the government could provide free dental care for us.”

What do you have to say to those who say you are animals and have no 
right to vote? In fact, foreign media like the BBC insinuate that you
 don’t exist. They said Malaysians only believe in you
 because you’re big.

“You know, the same might be said of the Western media. They only seem to believe Asia and Africa exist because they’ve read some exotic fiction about us. And so, for them to continue to believe in our two continents, their correspondents must continue to portray us as backward and uncivilised. Malaysians have as much right to believe that big is good as Westerners have in thinking that no access to clean drinking water and the spread of AIDS is exotic.”

My, for someone who lives in the jungle and eats leaves, you sure know 
a lot about global affairs.

“Well, if Umno MPs can do it…”

Loren Coleman About Loren Coleman
Loren Coleman is one of the world’s leading cryptozoologists, some say “the” leading living cryptozoologist. Certainly, he is acknowledged as the current living American researcher and writer who has most popularized cryptozoology in the late 20th and early 21st centuries. Starting his fieldwork and investigations in 1960, after traveling and trekking extensively in pursuit of cryptozoological mysteries, Coleman began writing to share his experiences in 1969. An honorary member of Ivan T. Sanderson’s Society for the Investigation of the Unexplained in the 1970s, Coleman has been bestowed with similar honorary memberships of the North Idaho College Cryptozoology Club in 1983, and in subsequent years, that of the British Columbia Scientific Cryptozoology Club, CryptoSafari International, and other international organizations. He was also a Life Member and Benefactor of the International Society of Cryptozoology (now-defunct). Loren Coleman’s daily blog, as a member of the Cryptomundo Team, served as an ongoing avenue of communication for the ever-growing body of cryptozoo news from 2005 through 2013. He returned as an infrequent contributor beginning Halloween week of 2015. Coleman is the founder in 2003, and current director of the International Cryptozoology Museum in Portland, Maine.

7 Responses to “Johor Bigfoot Back?”

  1. greywolf responds:

    I don’t think there are enough of them to swing the vote either way. If I miss my guess they will be like we in the vote doesn’t mean much so why bother………..oh well now you know why they keep hidden they don’t like big government sticking there nose in there lives.

  2. mystery_man responds:

    I am going to try and resist the urge to make jokes about us already having hominids in office.

  3. Saint Vitus responds:

    Technically, wouldn’t all politicians be considered hominids?

  4. CryptoHaus_Press responds:

    Technically, wouldn’t all politicians be considered hominids?

    LOL! actually, considering the state of current Washington politicos, we might also wish to consider their Endangered Species status, as well! 😉

  5. CamperGuy responds:

    Considering their small voting numbers they should consider voting early and often.

    They may have legal recourse as well, if voting stations are not located in isolated and unreachable places they are obviously being disenfranchised.

    In a close election they may be able to constitute a swing vote and leverage the situation to gain desired concessions.

  6. red_pill_junkie responds:

    Sooooo… who do you think would receive the votes of Skunk Apes and Bigfoots in the next election?

    Or am I rattling a hornet nest here with my nagging questions? 😉

  7. CryptoHaus_Press responds:

    who do you think would receive the votes of Skunk Apes and Bigfoot in the next election?

    a GREAT question, red pill! here’s my fearless prediction, based entirely on whim (what else?).

    Red States go McCain re: Bigfoot. based on cultural preferences. i’ve seen a lot of ‘Squatch “Vote McCain” bumper stickers in the woods here in Texas, many posted over 10-feet high in the trees! plus, it makes sense. rural Bigfeet tend to be more conservative with their natural resources owing to smaller, less densely populated “pods” and less diversity amongst themselves, as a result. finally, McCain calls everyone “my friends” a lot, which probably makes the ‘Feet in the red states feel more included in the debate.

    Blue States go Obama vis a vis Sasquatch. again, cultural reasons. Northern California and Seattle Sasquatch tribes tend to be more liberal, prefer tree hugging to timber logging, etc. in short, are more “environmentally conscious,” which doubtless appeals to ‘Squatches. also, because of higher population density, Sasquatch (note how they prefer to be called ‘Squatch’ in the Northwest instead of ‘Bigfoot’ for Native tribal identity & affinity reasons) in the redwood states tend to be more culturally diverse, tolerant of differences, enjoy banning guns, etc.

    the big toss up? Florida. imagine: if elderly types have problems punching out those hanging chads? what’s a large cryptid with mitts the size of Mighty Joe Young to do? they should REALLY allow both absentee voting AND/OR electronic voting to encourage the southern swamp skunk ape vote, imho.

    and please: if you feel i’ve misrepresented your local momo’s preference for which candidate? contact your local women league of crypto voters, not me! 😉

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